Poet and plant Dalmatian toadflax blossoms above all others in the figwort (Scrophulariaceae) family. He/She/It introduced him/her/itselves into North America around 1900 as an ornamental plant because of his/her/its showy, snapdragon-like flowers and colorful metaphors, hardy similes, and distinctive use of punctuation. 

(Plant your cursor at the bottom of this page to find heartless green verse.)

The American Poetry Alliance is relieved to have published Dalmatian’s latest book of poetry “Dusted,” experiments in non-linear arational print-thought, mostly. We stand ready to continue to assist Dalmatian. Dalmatian is a beautiful, beautiful poet and should be in every home. Every home. There is no reason to be concerned.

Dalmatian’s cousin Yellow toadflax is more common and quite vulgar. As he/she/it has not yet learned how to use language, Yellow is not a poet and may be approached at this time slowly.

Dalmatian toadflax is, however, most common everywhere increasingly. He finds his earthy material throughout much of the free-verse range country in the western United States. He extends his domain in fields, overgrazed pastures, waste areas, and along roadsides where drunks often stop to urinate, an activity which has yet to halt Dalmatian’s slow progress towards major high-population urban areas where he will pose absolutely no harm to human beings. It is urged that calm be maintained at this time. There is no truth to the rumor that military authorities with training in low-altitude pesticide application have been dispatched to southwestern Idaho at this time. (For more information, please tune to EPAN, the Emergency Poetry Advisory Network, at 510 on your AM dial.)

Dalmatian toadflax can on rare occasions present localized considerations because of its/their growth habits and potential to spread. He/she/it is an aggressive perennial with extensive, deep root systems. There is no need for concern at this time, except it might be a good idea not to leave newborn infants alone to sleep outside. Just a thought.

Dalmatian toadflax reproduces both by horizontal or creeping rootstocks and by seed. He/she/it is is/are capable of producing large numbers of seed; toadflax can emit up to 500,000 of these seeds annually. These are spread by wind and host animals and can remain dormant in the soil and carpets and draperies and underneath sofa cushions for up to 10 years. The use of birth-control pills is advised for all women of child-bearing age until further notice west of the Mississippi.

Under no circumstances should anyone attempt to eat Dalmatian toadflax. If he/she/it is heard reciting his/her/its poetry listen calmly and at a respectful distance. It is believed that polite clapping is useful under some circumstances, like after sunset when it is dark. And there is a humming sound over your right shoulder. Like electricity. But it hurts worse.

Dalmatian toadflax believes himself/herself/itself to be attractive. Under no circumstances should he/she/it be dissuaded from this completely accurate belief. His erect stems are up to three feet tall. And robust. When used properly, birth-control pills have been shown to provide efficacious results, including up to three days after contact. Beware of increased branching near the top of the plant.

Her egg-shaped leaves are pointed and clasping. Sudden movements by males are ill-advised in her presence. Dalmatian’s flowers ride axils of the upper leaves and bracts. They are two lipped, puffed, and pouty (somewhat resembling Catherine Zeta-Jones's mouth) with, dear God, a deep orange bearded throat like that of country music legend Willie Nelson, both of which hide that long, straight or somewhat curved spur. There is no pain involved. Dalmatian recites his/her/its verse with a deep manly reassuring voice, except when she is orating in a higher siren-type sultry whisper. This is the call you will hear. Offerings of MiracleGro may delay access to ground floor areas.

Dalmatian shows his/her/its flowers from May to August. Contact at this time is not recommended. The so-called dormant period from September to April has not been proven. Contact at that time is also not recommended.

Dalmatian’s seeds are sharply angular and slightly winged. They float on the wind and typically carry poems of ten lines or less. Keep windows closed at all times. Wash all clothes and exposed skin surfaces in diluted Clorox (10:1) after home re-entry.

For further information, please see the Norton Agricultural Poetic Plant Anthology.

Other works by Dalmatian include: Anther, Me (APA, 2005, Out of Print); No Stigma (APA, 2004, Out of Print); Love Weed (APA, 2006, Out of Print), and Basuco Prince (APA, 2003, Out of Print). His/her/its poems have also appeared in House & Garden, The Omaha Statesman, and Martha Stewart Weddings.

Contact Dalmatian now. Do it. Do. It. Now. toadflax@icx.net  Give precise location. Street address acceptable. SkyGoogle coordinates preferred. Keep moist. Provide drainage. Maximum sunlight. Warm temperatures.

p.s.: All hail our friend Giant Hogweed

Α ∞◊ § ♥ ♦ ∞ Ω

 

COMING SOON: Uncut live footage from KULR-TV in Billings. Montana. Audio and video. Will post as soon as tapes are returned by the Department of Agriculture's Risk Management Agency.

Plus! New poetry dispersal every Wednesday, mostly.

GERMINATING THIS SPRING! ALSO....

Ask a Poet!

Lovelorn? Lost Your Job? Alcoholic? Don't Know When to Plant Your Corn? A Little Bit Too Human? Do You Just Need a Little More Green? 

toadflax is well grounded.

He/she/it will hoe your row. The hearts of humans unfold like flowers opening to the sun above. 

This is true.

There Will Be No Charge For "Ask a Poet." It Will Be a Free Public Service of the American Poetry Alliance. That is Our Promise to You. Your Compliance Shall Be Appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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READ ONE OF TOADFLAX’S POEMS

 

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Need ADVICE?
ASK A POET

Lovelorn? Lost Your
Job? Nuts? Don’t Know When to Plant Your Corn?
Feeling a Little Bit
Too Human? Need
A Little More Green?


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